Introduction written by Kirstin Hawthorne
While estate planning provides a clear pathway to ensure that your legacy and wishes are carried out after your passing, it does not address the emotional complexities of loss. As a rite of passage into adulthood, many children participate in cotillion, and through this, Ms. Anne Achiu, Director of Northern Virginia Cotillion, has become a well-respected mentor. Recently, she shared an article that addresses the etiquette and emotional nuances surrounding grief, which offers invaluable insights for both adults and children navigating the difficult time of loss.
Here is the article she shared:
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Life is full of many wonderful things, and sometimes there are hard things too. This week and next, we are going to talk about some hard things. Over the last couple of months, I have had several students and parents reach out to me as to the etiquette involved when a family member dies. How should you act at a funeral? What should you do to honor the person that has passed away? I want to share with you some of the guidance I have given them.
When a loved one passes away, you are in a position to honor, serve and remember them and to serve your family through your behavior. This is a time for you to be extra kind, extra patient, extra thoughtful and very supportive of your family members. When you offer comfort to others, you will be comforted. As you hear and remember the wonderful things about your family member that has passed away and learn more about their life, you help to keep them present in your family and in your memories.
Remember to treat each person with kindness and respect. Every person has their own way of grieving and goes through the process differently. When we are grieving, it is easy to get caught up in our own loss and in our way of grieving and forget to see the pain that others are experiencing. This is a quiet time and a time for reflection.
Families often come together during times like this and they see family members and friends that they have not seen in a while, which makes it a great time for them to see what a wonderful person you have become. Be the very best version of yourself, remember to stand, sit and speak like a lady or a gentleman. Be neat, clean and appropriate in your appearance. Remember to make eye contact, shake hands, use good posture and greet everyone you see with a smile. If you do this, you will be honoring your family member that is gone, your family, and yourself.
Might I suggest that when the day of the funeral is over, you sit down and record the memories that you have of your loved one and the things that you learned from them and about them, so that you can someday share them with your children. My great-grandfather taught me to drive, how to whistle, and how important family is, among other things - he was my best friend and he passed away when he was 98 and I was 16. Because I shared stories about him and his life with my children, they all know about him! My youngest grandson was even named after him this year.
Hard days and sad days are a part of life for all of us, but if we remember to show others an abundance of kindness even on the saddest of days and never lose sight of all that we have to be grateful for, we are truly being ladies and gentlemen and being the very best version of ourselves.
I hope that your sad days are few and that your happy days are many.
Ann Achiu
Director, Fairfax & Arlington Chapters
Northern Virginia Junior Cotillion
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